I Would Have Been 30 Weeks...

I feel like such a dummy....

When I sat down at my work computer this morning and opened my email and calendar, I was jolted by a sad reminder of my sweet Oliver. When I found out I was pregnant I was so excited that I set weekly reminders of how far along I was in my calendar. This morning the reminder said 30 weeks.... I would have been 30 weeks along with this tiny man. 

These are the last photos I have of Oliver alive. They were taken at our 19 week ultrasound.... before I knew anything was wrong and before our lives were forever changed. I am sad that she wasn't able to get a good profile picture for me. He was super active that day and would not sit still to have his picture taken. I will be completely honest and tell you that this is actually the first time I have ever looked at these photos. I have been carrying the CD around with me in my purse since they were taken. I just couldn't bring myself to look at them. They remind me of my excitement and my naivety.... I would have been 30 weeks. 

Mrs. E

Brass & Baubles ~ Modern Floral Quilts

I am finally finding the time to sit down and look through some of the things that I haven't posted about yet!

I am back at work again which means that I have a little bit more time at a computer... hopefully I will be able to catch back up with everything! These two quilts have been sitting in the studio for a couple of months now. They are super girly and super modern and they are two different sizes. I still have so much of this fabric and I can't wait to put together another project or two using it. 

Mrs. E

Back to Work Tunes

I love great music while I am sitting at my desk.

There is nothing worse than trying to pass eight hours in silence... especially in the winter where the nap index is almost always at a ten. Here are a few of the tunes I have been listening to lately. Any other suggestions of some new music would be great!

Mrs. E

Back to Work Anxiety

Well, I am back at work. 

Six weeks after Oliver's birth I am sitting at my desk trying to pretend that all of this feels completely normal. I will be honest, the routine is kind of nice but I am missing the kids and the safety of my home. I feel like I have been tossed out into the world now and it is not up to me how people will treat me, react to me or what they will say to me. I have to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. 

This is the part that I was so afraid of. I was afraid of trying to find normal after something so abnormal. I was terrified of being judged or receiving nothing but overly sympathetic looks. I was nervous about awkward interactions with people... about people asking me if we had our baby. It has all happened already and I haven't cried yet. I think I will get through this but or now I will try to push down some of my anxiety and enjoy my time with some of the best co-workers that a girl could ask for. 

Mrs. E

An Unparalleled Love

When a couple endures a tragedy there are two things that could happen... it could push them in opposite directions or show them how strong their love really is.

Losing Oliver changed my relationship with my husband. David and I have been together over 8 years and we have been married for over 5 now (a milestone that unfortunately got overlooked at the end of August as a result of my sisters wedding followed by our nanny's arrival and then our journey with Oliver). He is without a doubt my favorite person in the world. We have always been a relatively strong couple. We have had our rough patches but we always communicate through them and each time we come out on the other side of a disagreement we are substantially stronger.

David is my rock. I have become extremely dependent on him over the last couple of months and he has not complained once. I know that if I am having an emotional day he is there to help me through it. I know that if I need some time out of the house by myself he is the first to encourage me to do it. He watches over me to make sure that I take care of myself first and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. 

We are so in love with each other and my feelings for him truly do grow stronger every day. If you had told me eight years ago that I would love him more today than I did then, I would have told you that you were insane. As much as I wish I could explain it I can't. He fills me with overwhelming, chest exploding, tear inducing emotion and I have never felt that way about anyone else in my entire life. 

Watching David become a dad has been the most incredible adventure. Knowing that we created this family and that our kids are a product of our love for one another is so amazing. Watching him with the kids makes me realize how lucky I am to have found such an incredible partner and amazing man. 

Our love is what has kept me together in recent weeks... and I am so glad it has. 

Mrs. E 

Brass & Baubles ~ A Halloween Quilt

Guys.... I love Halloween so much! 

I will get around to talking about our Halloween evening as soon as possible, but for now I want to talk about my Halloween quilt. I had so much fun putting together this cute lap sized quilt. Halloween fabric is always so much fun to look at and I had a super tough time deciding which fabric line to use. I settled on a line called Eerie and I am so glad I did! It is modern and not cheesy and I could not be happier. This quilt is lap sized and I even managed to quilt some spider webs onto it for a little extra whimsy. It will be in the shop soon!

Mrs. E

There's No Crying in Yoga.... or is There?

I am starting to realize that everyone has their own coping mechanism when it comes to grief.

Some choose to shut down completely. Some choose to talk about it non-stop. Some keep themselves so busy that they do not have time to think about it. And some throw themselves into hobbies and projects.... The last one is definitely  me. I have always been a very busy person. I like to wake up with a purpose and I set out to accomplish certain tasks each day. I have taken on a million different projects in an effort to cope with Oliver's  death and I have also obsessively  thrown myself into one of my favorite activities... yoga.

Most people don't know that I actually took yoga courses in University. It all started when I needed some extra elective credit and found out that I could use a physical education course. It was during this time that I discovered two things about yoga. I wasn't very flexible and struggled through certain postures... and I absolutely loved it. There was something about walking into a room where every feeling of anxiety, stress and self consciousness are left at the door. It is all about bettering yourself and setting your goals for each practice knowing that each day will be different. It is about raking the time to focus on yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. It was about me.

As the years went on I continued to practice here and there. Our busy schedules, and at times budget constrictions, did  not allow me to go as often as I wanted too. When I got pregnant with Sydney, David encouraged me to go on a regular basis. I managed to practice at least once a week with both kids up into my 38th week of pregnancy and I actually attribute it to my successful  deliveries. 

After Henry was born I started attending hot yoga when I had the time. I found something soothing and healing in the heat of the yoga studio. I left every class feeling as though I had learned something about myself and what I could accomplish. When we lost Oliver I knew that yoga would once again help me find my center.

I started going back a week after his passing. I felt fine physically and knew that it would only help me to start getting into a routine. The first class back was hard. I was tired and my body hurt after being pregnant. I was struggling to find the motivation to go but was always happy once I got there. The studio was  place where I was just me. I wasn't a mother who had lost a child or a woman who needed extra emotional support. I was just me.

A week into daily practice I had a break through. I decided to attend a Thanksgiving afternoon class to try to negate all of the food I knew I would eat that night. The instructor ran the class at a blistering pace and the usual calm quiet of the studio became a room full of grunting, sighing people struggling to hold on. But something happened. I was able to keep up... barely. I was doing it. I was challenging myself and literally  sweating my ass off. As I sat there in downward dog with my sweat dripping into my nose and eyes (delicious, I know) I started to realize how strong I was, what I was capable of. Who cares if I am carrying some extra weight from having three kids, who cares if I am not flexible or I can't do a posture or two. I was strong.

During shavasana the instructor quietly talked about detoxifying. Detoxifying one's physical self and detoxifying one's emotional self. She spoke of letting go of those things that we are holding onto. Allowing ourselves to not carry around those extra burdens. Before I knew it I was crying. In that moment I was thankful that the lights were off and I was already red and sweaty from the class. I knew that I obviously needed to let go so I just let it happen. I thought of losing Oliver and how difficult  it had been. I thought of how amazing it felt to finish that class with strength. I thought of how freeing it felt to let go. It was one of the most honest moments I had had in the grieving process so far.

As I left class I had another girl tell the instructor that she had cried during shavasana as well. I felt relief to know that I wasn't the only one who was obviously effected by the last hour and it was then that I realized that there is always. crying. in. Yoga. 

Mrs. E