Statistical Anomaly

*Disclaimer* 

I wrote this about two weeks ago. We found out that our baby had no heartbeat on March 10.

The past few days have been extremely difficult for our family. Our status as a statistical anomaly only grew stronger and so did our grief. This past week we lost our second baby. We have been holding off on spreading our happy news until we passed the 18 week ultrasound. It was at Oliver's 18 week ultrasound that we discovered his Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. What we did not expect was that we would not make it to that 18 week ultrasound.

After we lost Oliver I knew that I wanted to get pregnant right away.  We were told that the chance that our next child would also have CDH was almost nonexistent and I knew that I would be able to deal with passing his due date better if I knew I had something else to look forward to. We found out I was pregnant on boxing day and the nerves set in almost immediately. I was terrified. 

Aside from some extra monitoring, everything had been going very well up until this last week. I was getting very bad morning sickness, which is completely normal for me, and it actually gave me a weird sense of comfort. We had a beautiful ultrasound done at 7 weeks where we were able to see a perfect heartbeat. Another at 11 weeks confirmed that everything was still perfect.  At 12 weeks I went in for my NT scan and was gifted with another view of our wiggly little baby and it's perfect heartbeat.  Over the next 2 weeks I started to feel flutters and I also started to allow myself to get a little excited. After we passed the 13 week mark we began to tell a few people we were close with. Coworkers, close friends... we had told our families at around 9 weeks. 

This past Monday we went in for my first OB appointment with this baby. I felt confident after so many great ultrasounds. As our doctor tried to find the heartbeat I started to get nervous... it never took this long for her to find it. She never did find it and told us that she wasn't worried as she booked an ultrasound for the next day. I went back to work that afternoon and didn't start to get nervous until later that evening. I asked to David if he would come with me. He was worried that he would be to tired to drive after working a night shift the night before so I let it go. 

The next day I left work mid morning to drive out to Fort Saskatchewan for my appointment. In order to get me in quickly I had to be sent to a clinic a little further away. I checked in and was taken to a room right away. The tech started the scan and I could see it right away. You see.... at this point in my life I have seen more ultrasounds than the average person... I could see immediately that our little baby no longer had a heartbeat. I watched on the screen as she tried to take measurements to determine our baby's gestation.... almost exactly 14 weeks. That means that it had JUST happened in the last day or two. It also meant that we were now part of the less than 2 percent who suffer a second trimester miscarriage after having a great 12 week ultrasound. 

The tech called in the doctor to go over everything and I laid there and cried while they finished the scan. She held my hand and informed me of what I already knew, apologizing as if it would make me feel better. My first overwhelming emotion was anger. I turned to the doctor and informed her that this was not the worst ultrasound I had ever had and demanded to go home. They let me know that I needed to call my OB office when I was ready to make plans. 

As I walked out of the clinic in lost it. I called David and yelled at him. "You should have come with me! You should have been there for me today! Now I have to drive myself all the way home! Why is this happening to us?" I was mad and frustrated. I managed to drive myself home through the tears and spent the rest of the day sleeping. 

To say that I am shocked is an understatement. I am mad at the universe for putting us through this. I am mad that I had allowed myself to be excited about a pregnancy knowing how easily it can end. I am mad that I had started telling people that we were expecting. I am mad that we are are statistical anomaly. I am mad that all of my plans have been halted again. That I am now in limbo....  I won't be home for Sydney's first year in school and I will be missing out on that extra time with Henry. I am mad that they have lost a sibling that they didn't even know about. And I am mad that even though we did everything right, we have lost another tiny member of our family. 

I don't know what to do from here. I don't know what David will be willing to do. I am healing emotionally and physically but all I can think of is how badly I still want another baby. All is can think of is how much I wanted the two that I have lost. All I can this of is how is feel like it's have failed as a mother. That I can't even protect the babies in my body, even though I know there is nothing is could have done.