Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Oliver ~ Meeting Our Little Man

October 4, 2014 ~

It has taken me a few days to sit down to actually write this.

We walked into the hospital at 7am on Monday knowing that this would be the most difficult day of our lives. We checked in at admitting and made our way up to the gynecological ward when we were shown into our private room. After changing into my hospital gown I climbed into my bed to prepare for the worst.

The first major hurdle came when we got the news that our doctor would actually not be in to start the induction until noon. That meant that we would have to wait hours before we even started doing anything. I have never seen David so mad and protective. His first reaction to the delay was to try to get things moving.  The last thing he wanted was to have me waiting longer than I needed to.  We played scrabble and chatted to pass the time. After an early lunch, it was time to get everything started.

As I signed the paperwork and laid on the table to be given induction medication and a Foley balloon it hit me that there was no turning back. The countdown to Oliver's birth had begun and I couldn't stop the sobs. I cried as David guided me back to our room and cried as he helped me into bed. I slept most of the afternoon. I was exhausted from the emotional roller coaster of the morning and the stress of the entire situation.

I started having small contractions at around 4pm but things didn't really get started until after 7pm. David ran out and picked me up some sushi and we had and light dinner. I can't even begin to explain the nerves and fears that were running through me at this point. I found myself randomly crying throughout the evening.  I knew what was coming and and I kept telling David that I didn't want to do it. I was so afraid.

Hours of small contractions flew by. I slept and we played a few more games of scrabble to keep our minds off of the inevitable. At sometime around one in the morning everything changed.

I was in an excruciating amount of pain but did not want to take the morphine. They cannot give you an epidural on the gynecological unit. In order to have one administered I would have had to be moved up to the labor and delivery ward. They do not like to do this because they figure that the emotional pain of being surrounded by women delivering healthy full term babies would be to much. That being said.... If you really want one they will do that for you. My fear with the morphine was that it would make me nauseous. David really wanted me to take the pain mess.  I think it was hard for him to see me I  so much pain. After they gave me gravol I finally succumbed and took my first dose. It didn't work immediately and this is when I started to panic. The pain was unbelievable and I started begging for an epidural. David convinced me to wait until I could have one more dose. As soon as that dose entered my system I was out. The combination of the morphine and the gravol knocked me right out. Two and a half hours flew by. I would sleep for two minutes and wake up to breathe through a minute long contraction.

At around five thirty the pain changed once more and got worse. I had to try to control the pain for another two hours. At seven all I could feel was pressure. I pressed the call button and an aid poked her head in to ask if I was ok. I yelled at her to grab a nurse and she ran to grab one. It was shift change so they were all doing hand off at the time. They barely had enough time to run in the room and get me onto my back before Oliver was born. We had chosen to wait to see him until he was bathed and wrapped up so he was taken out of the room immediately. 

I can't even begin to try to explain how I felt in those moments after his birth. My heart was absolutely breaking and I sobbed uncontrollably. It was the most physically and emotionally painful thing I have ever endured.... and I immediately missed my baby. All I felt was an entirely new level of grief and sadness.

After being cleaned up and given some time alone with David, they brought our little boy in so I could hold him. David  was not comfortable seeing him so I was careful to respect that. When the nurse handed him to me I could not hold back the tears. He was a perfect tiny little man and he looked exactly like his siblings. They had put him in a very tiny cloth diaper and handmade knit hat and he was wrapped in a beautiful blanket made by volunteers. They had given him a tiny white basket to sleep in and I was immediately in love.

David gave me a few moments alone with my little man. I took the time to cry and apologize to him. I told him how loved he was and how we wanted so badly for him to be a little bit healthier. I told him I would never forget him and he would always be a part of our family. I tried to memorize his tiny face and took the time to look at his tiny toes and little fingers. I gave him as much of me and my love that I possibly could, so he knew that if I could do anything to change the outcome I would.  If I could do anything to keep him with me I would.  If I could have given him a healthy body I would.

It is difficult to explain, but it was hard not to have a tiny bit of happiness on that day. In the end I had given birth to a perfectly beautiful baby. I had fallen in love with someone new. I had gotten to hold him.

The rest of our time in the hospital was an absolute blur. I struggled with some pretty major bleeding that required three separate treatments (essentially fully awake D&C's) and it kept me in the hospital an extra night. At one point I sat up only to completely fill my bed with blood. I honestly thought I was going to die at one point. It was terrifying and I am so glad that that piece is over.

In the end I dragged my feet leaving the hospital. I knew that leaving meant that Oliver would be taken down to the morgue and that he would be alone. I was scared for him and devastated to be leaving him. In the end I left the hospital with a bear and a box of mementos.  I cried uncontrollably as we walked to the car and I went home and slept.

I met and said goodbye to Oliver in the same day.

Mrs. E


  1. Oh Steph, I am so sorry for your loss. You are an amazing Mom to all three of your kids, they are blessed to have you and your love. I am thinking and praying for you all the time. Love and Hugs, Katherine

  2. Dear Oliver,
    You lived only a short 22 weeks. You never survived out of your mommy's belly. Despite of this you have changed many lives. You brought amazing love into this world not only for you, but for your family. May you look down on your family and watch over them as their guardian angel until you can be reunited again in the future. Look for my brother, he'll show you the ropes on how to be an amazing guardian angel.
    Lots of love to you little man and all your family.